Column inches – Big Ben’s Big Man Emporium

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Why having a big boys’ shop will be big business

Size isn’t everything, as they say. Well, men do anyway. But in some cases, it most definitely is everything.

Certain women of more bulbous proportions, shall we say, require specific emporiums to attend to their needs – mostly of a breast-related nature. For these ladies, this is a source of considerable distress and discomfort. If you’re carrying too much weight upstairs, and require the lingerie equivalent of scaffolding to keep things on nodding (or bobbing) terms with gravity, it’s not the most flattering process to go through, and can actually be quite expensive.

There are particular boutiques to cater for these needs. Ladies who enter them do so timidly and with a degree of embarrassment. I know, because I’ve watched. Fervently.

Now. Imagine the same scenario for men who have certain proportionate needs in the underpants department. Or at least purport to. An undercarriage that ostensibly needs extra support – and a specialist retailer that caters for it. We’re talking about an actual shop that fits out the ‘gifted’ gentleman with big support pants that could handle his capacious load. Do you really think there would be such a reluctant clientele as the ladies’ big-bra outlet?

I’m telling you: there would be queues lining up around the block – absolutely FOREVER. Even if just to get a carrier bag. Every single man in the universe will want to associate himself with this shop.

I call this place Big Ben’s (it’s based in London, and, perhaps appropriately, it’s named after a big bell). And here are five reasons why it could not fail as a business:

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1.     Men are completely and uttterly insecure about their manhood – and this place is the ultimate brag, even if it’s an utter facade. A Big Ben’s customer is the equivalent of a man with socks down his pants.

2.     If you shop at Big Ben’s, especially as it’s in the high street, you’re seen by a load of passing ladies. The hint is implicit: “There goes a big boy with some heavy burden that needs some structural assistance”. A probable date awaits your exit.

3.     You can get club membership of Big Ben’s – and receive a ‘proportionate’ card that won’t even fit in your pocket, such is its girth. But you can flash it around, and not get arrested. It’s called a Big Member card.

4.     Even if you can’t get some big, ball-loading pants at Big Ben’s (they don’t exist, and even if they did they’d be bloody expensive), you could always get a t-shirt, emblazoned with the slogan: ‘I got my bigness ascertained in discretion at Big Ben’s: “To phallus see is not a fallacy”.’

5.     Big Ben’s is impervious to financial instability – a posing pouch is not susceptible to a credit crunch. Because that would hurt. Also, inflation and deflation come with the territory.

So there you have it – a perfect business to not only conquer a precarious and fake economy, but also a showcase for men’s precarious and fake egos.

When the bell tolls, get yourself down to Big Ben’s and declare your Housing uncommon.

Ding dong.

Stephen Brolan

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2 thoughts on “Column inches – Big Ben’s Big Man Emporium

  1. Can I get a Big Ben’s loyalty card?

  2. No no. Big Ben’s is the emporium of promiscuity. We can only issue you with a disloyalty card.

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